I have this ache in my heart right now…

And I don’t know where it is coming from…

I just know that it is quite unusual for me to feel this way. Maybe because you started saying some things that made the non-sensical messages that we exchange into something more…
… confusing.

Maybe I am denying the fact that there could be something going on in this situation because both of us seem to be mending something that has been broken. And a lot of the people around us, whom we love and who loves us, keep on encouraging us to take things slow.

Go slow…
… and get to know each other…
… better.

Kudos to what you have been doing, though. You gave me another reason to smile. Even those simplest things that might have gone unnoticed.

░

Before the end of July, I was very apprehensive for August to come.

One of the countless reasons is the fact that August is the month that we used to celebrate our Anniversary. It would’ve been our 10th.

*Sigh*

It’s a good thing that I have a very good friend who helped me through it.

I told him that I’m really over.

He insists that I’m half-baked, since this event is one of the things that may bring back memories.

—–

It didn’t bring back either good or bad memories. I’m even surprised why I don’t remember those memories (knowing that I am the type of person who is sappy and cheesy and romantic and all).

I was wondering if I have selective amnesia.

Well, I don’t.

I’m just apprehensive for the approaching date.

—–

It’s like

a deadline,

an exam that you haven’t studied on,

an impromptu interview…
but you have that foresight that it is coming, yet you are unprepared for it.

—–

And the 1st of August came… I made it… And it made me laugh, looking back on how apprehensive I was for August to come.

—–

Tonight, I told my friend that if love comes (he calls it “destiny”)… it’s not something to rush for…

I think it should be like gourmet food. Since it is served in small portions, it must be savoured slowly.

—–

I can now safely and happily say,

“I am ready.”

I was crying. Not for the love that we lost. I am over that now. I was crying because of how my friends think about what craziness I am currently doing.

He embraced me tight and reminded me that Jesus was crucified because He was misunderstood.

I felt that way last night. I felt I was totally misunderstood.

—–

I am happy.

Why can’t you accept that?

Why do you feel that staying at his place would make me feel more miserable? That I would revert to my heartaches again?

Don’t get me wrong… I am thankful for friends like you. I really am. But you worry so much on things that I myself don’t worry on.

I know it is difficult for you to understand that by being with him, staying at his place, dining out with him for the past few nights, is my way of ending the cycle that needs to be closed. I am sealing the past between us… as lovers. But one cannot seal the past between us as friends… as BEST friends.

The people I’ve talked with, the people around me and him, think that I accepted all of these too quickly. How can I possibly be happy at this moment when it has only been about four or five months since our breakup? How can I possibly say that I am okay that he has already found another person to love?

Would you rather that I stay miserable for a long time? As long as nine years, perhaps?

I don’t want to. And I don’t need to.

I can say that I am happy because I choose to be happy.

Happy for myself.

Happy for him.

Happy for her.

And I’ve never been happier this year.

—–

This is not bull@#$%, okay?

Even if you do a craniotomy right now, my brain would be screaming the same thing… that I am happy.

—–

We have been together for nine years. We have been best friends for more than that. When I look back and remember those nine years, I have no regrets. Within those nine years, we had very fond memories, we were happy, we complement each other. We reached out to each other. That is how I could describe it. I felt that everything is at its right place at the right time.

Then it gets ripped apart…

What I did was like taking these torn pieces, and then sewn together to form a magnificent quilt…

… of FRIENDSHIP.

—–

Please don’t crucify me for having done that. That was my way of moving on. That was my way of picking up the pieces of my broken dreams. That was my way of helping me out of the quicksand that I used to be in.

To each his own… I hear people say…

This is MY way.

—–

And I’ve never been happier this year.

I am sitting outside my door…

Took a long drag of Gudang…

Heaved it all out…

And stared at the essay…

…

Yeah… He’s right… “Things that has passed will never return.”

Why am I still denying that something like this could happen…

It really could happen. When will I embrace that?

And, yes, I’m currently still at standstill.

Despite the fact that my family and friends see that I have been very strong through this ordeal.

Maybe because I don’t want them to take pity on me on why I keep my world suspended while the rest of their lives are going on the way things should be.

I’ve made myself strong for my family, for my friends, for everyone around me.

But when I’m alone… Sitting outside my door… Taking a long drag of Gudang… and emptying my lungs I keep on thinking about the past and why I still can’t understand the reason why this had to happen..

I remained strong for everyone but myself.

I always wish that every time I empty my lungs from the smoke, out comes with it the past that I should have long ago let go.

Because I want to start anew…

And because I want to now that I, too, am capable of finding happiness by myself…

That I can find happiness for myself…

Love has reasons that reason
cannot explain.

Nothing more to say…

I had to call him up for the last time…

I had been very hopeful ever since I left, I thought that “WE” would still have a chance…

And I had to hear it from him, first hand, if we could still be together…

“I’m in-love with someone else.” “I don’t love you anymore.” “Why are we still talking about this?“

I guess, with those sentences, it is quite clear that there would be no more “him and me”.

—–

After our talk, I felt relieved.

Then, I did my laundry.

A ritual…

It may be doing laundry, or washing plates, or cleaning the bathroom… just to get the feel of soap and water in my hands. There is something in soap and water that makes me feel “cleansed” and “free” from whatever emotion that I am feeling during moments such as these.

—–

My Holidays was not what I had expected. It would be our 9th Christmas and New Year in this relationship. But we were having a rough time. I was very busy with my schedule, studying for an upcoming exam, feeling anxious with events that I wasn’t expecting. His schedule was busy, too. With an upcoming year, a change in shifts and rotations, and with new duties and responsibilities to work on.

I was patient. I just thought that this rough spot in our relationship would be something that we can smooth over after this chaotic situation that both of us are in. I thought that we just needed the space between us because we are still adjusting with the things that are unexpectedly happening.

But I was wrong. Oh boy, I was totally wrong!

—–

It took me some time to feel something. I felt numb. I can’t cry. I refuse to cry. I was hopeful. I want him back in my life. I was trying desperately to think of ways on how to get him back.

I was pathetic.

—–

Loving someone who are good to us is easy, but to love those who hurt us and do bad to us is something that goes against our very human nature. And before we can love them, we first have to forgive them, which in itself is a task difficult enough.

—–

Yet, because of the love that I had for him, and the companionship that we’ve shared for one-third of our lives, forgiving him — albeit onerous — was an achievement on my part.

And despite the hurt that I felt, I was thankful that something like this happened early in our lives, than having some dreams realized and then seeing them washed away like sandcastles along the shore.

I feel that I am currently locked up in a feeling that I know I should be setting myself free from. I am lost. I am chained up. I can’t move on.

It might be because I have been with him for 9 years and then suddenly I had to let go. So, I made a choice to let him go. A difficult choice, yes, but I know that it would be doubly difficult to stay in our relationship when it would mean that I, not WE, would think of ways to make it work.

I find myself refusing to look straight ahead. I’m stuck here… with thoughts and questions, and with no answers. And if they do have answers, I know that these answers would basically hurt me.

I am free from this relationship. I know this by now. But why do I find myself refusing to free myself with this feelings that I have for him?

When will I ever be free?